In Our Own Words

Many of us have stories to tell about the challenges and rewards of engaging in prevention work. This section is a collection of personal stories, vignettes, and reflections of men and women of different ages and experiences. These pieces help the topics in this tool kit come to life, and give personal voices to what can be abstract concepts, so we encourage you to read them and contribute your own thoughts.

Read What Others Have Said

Top 10 Reasons for Working with Men and Boys

To you, why is it important to work with men and boys to prevent gender based violence? What are some of the most important reasons men and boys should be involved in violence prevention?

Esta Soler, President, Family Violence Prevention Fund
The Family Violence Prevention Fund began reaching out to boys and men several years ago, after commissioning research to help guide this work. The research taught us that most men want to help stop violence, but they either haven't been asked or don't know what to do. Through public education campaigns and grassroots organizing, we have been asking them to help and showing them ways to make a difference, in particular by teaching boys that violence is always wrong and by helping to change social norms.

Anonymous, 40 years old
For me, an effective way to engage boys and men is to help them understand that their lives will be much better if they reject violence and the constraints of traditional masculinity. This is not only because their relationships would be richer and their sense of humanity would be enhanced, but because abuse and gender stereotypes hurt men too.

Some years ago, one of my best friends made a major mistake at his job. The kind of mistake that would probably get him fired. Now, this guy was not abusive in his relationship, but his understanding of gender roles was very rigid and traditional. He thought men should be strong and responsible, almost infallible. Having made the mistake put him in such state of despair that he tried to commit suicide. He felt that this was the only honourable thing to do. I was shocked at seeing so closely how the straightjacket of traditional masculinity could put this otherwise healthy and good man into an almost psychotic state.

Norberto da Silva dos Santos
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
21 years old

I live in a low-income community and witness many forms of violence that men and boys use against wives or girlfriends or even their own family members. Throughout my childhood I lived with violence by my side. My father hit my mother for stupid reasons, for example if she arrived late from work or wanted to go out with her friends. She tried to live a normal life but my father always wanted to use violence. It was this experience that made me begin to realize that violence does not resolve anything. Today my father and mother are separated and as incredible as it might sound, this is probably one of the best things to happen in my life because I could not take the situation any longer.

Men by nature have this thing of always using force. When we were children, we would play with cars and figurines, such as superman and Spiderman, of physically strong men who used force to conquer the bad guys.

I believe it is important to work within the family and within groups to ask questions about when, where, and in which situations one should use this force, and until what point is the use of this force violence or not. An important motivation for involving men and boys (in violence prevention work) is to show them how their future can be in terms of their family, society and themselves as individuals.

What does not make me proud is the influence of the traffickers in the community. They are a type of model for other youth since they have imported cars, money, fancy clothes Nike shoes and many women. The youth want to mirror them and get involved in the trafficking to obtain these things. Many youth involved in trafficking do not have family or studies and many of them have already committed crimes. Everybody has a different way of thinking, acting and living his or her life. However, society is slowly becoming aware that violence only creates more violence and it is necessary to stop using it.

It is extremely important to have such spaces where men can discuss violence. When we are adolescents we want to be part of a group, be it a school group or a football team. Today there are several groups (in my community) that work with these types of situations. In my community, Nova Holanda, there is an NGO called Devas which works with men and youth to question violence. The adolescents and youth are, on average, 13 to 22 years old, and were trained to work with groups and teach messages of violence prevention. The idea is to do prevention work with youth living in a highly violent society where they witness many forms of violence, including those committed by their fathers inside the home and those by the drug traffickers in the community. The principal objective of the work is for the youth to learn to prevent violence and pass this on to other youth through presentations, videos, etc. Many of the youth who participate in the group were users of violence and users and traffickers of drugs. Today they are part of the group working against violence and not involved in bad things. Their self-esteem has increased and now they think about their family and children. Some already work or in some way have been able to insert themselves in society and so their involvement in the group has helped them tremendously. There is another group, Masculine Conscience, which is a group of men, many of whom are married and already have children, who also work specifically on the issue of violence prevention and how to be aware of when they are using violence.

For me personally, as someone involved in this work, (I believe) prevention begins early. I have an interest and desire to work on this issue and to help others, not just the man himself but also his partners who have to deal with his behaviors.

In addition to increasing my self-esteem, it makes me happy to know that I can help others without thinking about what I can gain through the exchange. This makes me feel like a real man, one that is conscientious, one that takes care and shares.

---

Dr. Michael Flood, Australia
Boys and men should be involved because we're both part of the problem and part of the solution. The violence is only going to stop when men join with women to put an end to it.
I work with men because we must - because this is the only way that the violence committed by a minority of men will stop. And because work with men is necessary to change the culture that allows men to be violent.

One of the things I find most rewarding about working with boys and men in violence expression is that it expresses my own hope about the good in the hearts of many boys and men. And it re-affirms that hope. It's a counter to that feeling of despair, hopelessness, and horror about men I sometimes get as I hear yet another story of cruelty and abuse. It helps me remember that more of us men care about women's lives, more of us want the violence to stop, then each of us sometimes thinks.

---

Steven Botkin, Ed.D., Director, Men's Resource Center Coalition
Demystify the costs and benefits of masculinity. One essential foundation of our approach to men's work is a firm understanding that men are both privileged and damaged by gender roles and sexism. While these two aspects of male socialization (men as oppressor and men as victim) have often been presented as contradictory and politically incompatible, we recognize that men's actual experience, in fact, combines both dimensions into a powerful system of social conditioning. As a result of this more complete picture of men's experience we have been able to develop effective outreach, education and support strategies.

Affirm men's nature. Our belief that men are naturally loving, caring and sensitive with women, children and other men has informed all of our work. We recognize that this is often buried under layers of mistrust and fear and protected by a hard crust of privilege, so that what we may see is isolation, dehumanization, and/or abusiveness. However, we also know that with support, safety and encouragement men can reclaim their ability to be open and connected. This belief goes a long way toward creating an environment where learning and growth can happen.

Commit to being allies with women. Women have clearly led the way for us to examine the role of masculinity, gender relations and institutional sexism in our lives. It is also clear that we have an important part to play as men in challenging rigid gender roles and dominating forms of masculinity. Building ally relationships with women and women's organizations has been a vital MRC goal from the beginning. As we develop relationships of equality, respect and trust we contradict the legacies of hurt, anger and fear, and model what is possible between women and men. Together, we become a strong voice in the community.

Attend to men's emotional experience. The women's movement taught us that "the personal is the political." Men's emotional repression, isolation and illiteracy are a primary symptom of rigid masculinity and often lead to controlling, addictive and abusive behaviors. By creating opportunities for men to learn how to safely and compassionately attend to their own and others' emotional experience we help men reclaim their full selves, teach an essential life skill, build a strong community of connection and support, and create a new culture of masculinity.

Directly challenge men's violence. All of us have been impacted in some way by men's violence or abuse. A code of silence often surrounds these experiences. We have learned to be afraid of "breaking ranks" and speaking out. One of the most powerful things we can do is to create an environment that supports men to find ways to take a stand in challenging the masculine culture of violence - by talking together about our own experiences, by confronting others about their attitudes and behaviors, or by making a statement in our community.

Celebrate diversity among men. The dominant male stereotype assumes that there is one right way to be a powerful male. This leaves most of us feeling devalued, marginalized and disempowered, while we attempt to "pass" by hiding the parts of ourselves that don't fit the image. By highlighting and honoring the great diversity among men we expose the lie of the stereotype, and make room for the full range of men's self-expression.

Countering Objections

Have you experienced strong resistance to your work? How have you overcome challenges and objections to working with men on violence prevention?

Dr. Michael Flood, Australia
Challenge One: Responding to young men's ethos of mutual combat, and to young men's belief that "Guys shouldn't hit chicks."

One of the challenges in working with boys and young men on preventing violence against girls and women is that often, much of the violence young men have experienced is male-male violence. In the classes with whom I've worked, boys can give numerous anecdotes of physical conflicts between individual boys and men and groups of boys or men, which they sometimes tell with great enthusiasm and interest. They may also tell stories of male-female violence, and usually these are not incidents of violence within dating and sexual relationships, but violence between female and male friends (as well as between female friends). Boys also give accounts of violence from teachers, and from police (and this is again usually male-male violence). There are a couple of reasons why boys have more awareness of male-male violence than of male-female violence in dating relationships. First, male-male violence is an everyday part of boys' and young men's lives. Second, dating violence is often kept hidden, perpetrated in private situations, and stigmatized.
What makes this particularly challenging is that often, boys and young men see male-male violence as legitimate, and also as funny or entertaining. In one particularly memorable class, a group of boys articulated three key rules of male-male violence with which they abided. (1) Take the pain and the punches. (2) Never walk away. (3) Same size. (Combatants should be of roughly equal size and numbers.) The boys made clear that following these rules was a way to preserve masculine reputation, to avoid being seen as a "wuss", "fag", or "pansy". Violence was seen as a legitimate and normal way to resolve conflicts, protect reputation, and punish others.

I've tried to undermine this ethos of mutual combat by using several approaches. (a) Explore the costs to boys/men ourselves. (b) Show that violence does not work. (c) Model and encourage a way of being in which challenges to one's 'manhood' or 'heterosexuality' are not threatening. And in which responding with violence is not strong but weak.
Boys who believe that male-male violence is legitimate and even entertaining may be the same boys who strongly condemn male-female violence. And they may do so for similarly stereotypical reasons: that 'a guy shouldn't hit a girl', because girls are weak. I've used an educational video that shows a scenario of a young man being violent to his girlfriend, and some male students have responded that he is "a pussy" and "a poof" (slang for gay man) for hitting his girlfriend. Many of the boys said that if they saw this happen, they would themselves hit the perpetrator.

The notion that "guys shouldn't hit chicks" seems to me to be a general cultural norm (alongside significant forms of support for men's violence against women). And for these boys, it is linked to an ethic of male-male violent confrontation. This represents a homosocial policing of male behaviour, using aggression and violence. (And in one class, two boys related a recent story of doing just this, saying that they had used violence against an older male who had hit the older sister of one of the boys.)

How should we (pro-feminist men working with boys) respond to these ethics and forms of behaviour? On the one hand, it is positive that boys condemn other males' violence against girls or women, and the ethic that "guys shouldn't hit chicks" may constrain some males' violence against their partners or other females. On the other hand, boys police this ethic by using the very behaviours which they (and we) condemn in the first place, namely violence. And there is the deeper question of the basis and the believability of this ethic, as I address below.

When boys in a class have said that males should not hit females, I've responded in various ways:

-- My first response in a class when I hear a boy or boys make this comment is to say, "I think it's great that you think guys shouldn't hit girls." I.e., to offer some basic support and encouragement for this ethic.
-- Sometimes I have asked, why is it okay for males to hit other males but not females? This is not intended to encourage them to apply an ethic of violence in a gender-neutral way (males can hit males or females), but to encourage them to develop an ethic of non-violence (no-one should hit anyone). I've emphasized non-violence against all people, except where absolutely necessary in defending oneself or one's family (or indeed one's extended societal family) against physical attack.
In one class, several boys justified male-male violence over male/-female violence by referring to men's typically greater physical strength and preparedness to fight than women's. This suggested that they subscribe to an ethic of violence as wrong when perpetrated by someone against someone much weaker, i.e. in a situation of 'power over', but not when perpetrated between equals. But it also had a gendered component, in that the boys seemed less sure (from my brief questioning) that they would intervene e.g. when an older and bigger male was hitting a younger smaller male. In other words, the fact that it is a woman who is being hit seemed important.
-- I've asked, what will you teach the guy (who's hit his girlfriend) by hitting him yourself? Is this using violence to solve violence?
-- I've pointed out that it is precisely this mode of violent confrontation between males that leads to so much injury and death among males, giving examples of fights in pubs (bars), riots, sporting violence, etc.

However, I also have deeper concerns about the ethic that "guys shouldn't hit chicks". It smacks of a kind of patriarchal paternalism. I have the lingering suspicion that in fact it goes along with a series of patriarchal attitudes, such that men who espouse this ethic or who react 'chivalrously' or 'gallantly' to other men's violence against women may be just as likely, or perhaps more likely, to themselves be violent towards women.

The idea that "a guy shouldn't hit a girl" may implicitly end with the words, "if she is good." So the statement may be seen as not holding e.g. if a girlfriend 'cheats' on a boyfriend, she humiliates him in front of the guys, he 'got carried away', or he was drunk.
I'm also unsure about the believability of this attitude among boys. This public condemnation of men's violence against women may go hand in hand with the private use of such violence. Such public statements may be displays of chivalry to boost one's ego or impress others. So to properly assess such statements, we need to consider the motivation behind any such statement and measure this against typical patterns in a man's life.
There is also the question, can a man successfully renounce violence against women, while still being violent with men?

On the other hand, what right do I have to undermine some boys' criticisms of perpetrators of domestic violence, their taking a stand against sexist violence? Is the above about sidetracking them from a "men shouldn't hit women" belief and practice? If a man is doing part of the right thing for what we interpret as being the wrong reason, do we really have the right to put him off?
Also, we need to keep in mind the question of the immediate outcomes for women. If such attitudes among boys and men lessen the violence against women they perpetrate or which they condone among others, then this is valuable.
Finally, boys' anti-violence statements may have more substance than I'm giving them credit for.

My conclusion from all this is to see such statements as "guys shouldn't hit chicks" as starting points for useful work with boys. We can *use* and *build on* such statements critical of violence or supportive of non-violence. In other words, I think it's desirable to work with boys' already existing interests in and commitments to non-violent relationships and relations with girls and women, and to build on already existing occasions when boys have chosen non-violent ways of relating and being. So, while boys' and men's statements of anti-violence may seem insincere or motivated by problematic concerns, they represent potential resources for building a stronger culture of non-violence.

Challenge Two: Minimizing defensiveness

One of the most significant challenges in violence prevention work with men is to minimize men's reactions of defensiveness and hostility. Some men will say, "This is anti-male" or "This is male-bashing!" Such reactions are pretty common among men attending rape prevention interventions, and are also evident in men's responses to media campaigns. Men may feel defensive and hostile because they perceive that they are being targeted as perpetrators of rape.

The potential for defensiveness can be lessened by approaching men as partners in solving the problem rather than as perpetrators of the problem. It can be useful to address men as leaders in their contexts or communities, inviting them to use their leadership role to promote non-violence, or to address men as bystanders to other men's violence. Other measures that can lessen men's defensiveness include the use of male facilitators, a language of inclusive personal pronouns, and the acknowledgement of men's own victimization.

Making the Case to Men and Boys

How did you get started in this work - what were the compelling reasons in your life that led you to work towards violence prevention?

Norberto da Silva dos Santos
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
21 years old
I began this work in 1997 with health professionals who were working with youth at a community health post in Nova Holanda. They worked on issues related to violence, drugs, STD’s, AIDS and sexuality. The professionals were specialists in these topics and included people from within and outside the community. It was my interaction with this group that began my interest in learning more about and working with these topics.

What led me to pursue this type of work was my own past, in which I witnessed and lived with the violence that my father committed against my mother as well as the violence that exists in the communities. Today I do violence prevention work with groups of young men because I know it is necessary and that these youth need support in order to include themselves in the society in which they live. I see many youth in the community commit violence, and I have carried my own experiences with violence with me since childhood. I always try to help other youth by inviting them to participate in the groups or speaking with them one-on-one.

To better make the case to young men, it is important to have a good exchange with the community and to have a proposal that is attractive to young men. A young man is somewhat distracted in his day to day life and so you have to have something that grabs his attention. There are many good places to recruit young men, including bars, parties (funk, samba, etc.), high schools, and soccer fields. Weekends are the best days to host activities and events for young men. Since they generally do not have study or work on these days, they will have the time to listen to you. If you are at a bar, sit next to him and talk about your ideas. Have fun and smile. With the right approach, you can win him over. For these kinds of interactions, there is nobody better than another youth.

A big challenge in my community is to get the youth away from trafficking without interfering. It is a highly complicated situation because we want to get the youth out but are afraid to interfere in the trafficking. Depending on the position the youth has within the trafficking group, be it lookout, fireworks (lighting fireworks when the police enter the community), vapor (selling drugs), soldier, manager or owner, etc. it can be more or less difficult to get the youth out and for the traffickers to accept the youth leaving. For this reason, one of the community groups, The Future is Today, organized by Devas, does violence prevention work with young men in aim of preventing their involvement in trafficking since we know that if the youth does become involved it will be difficult to get him out.

Juan Carlos, 43 years old, Boston
I have been interested in social justice work since I was an adolescent. I grew up in Mexico and during my teens, I concentrated my political work on anti-racism, anti-classism and particularly anti-imperialism. In my early twenties, I came to the United States and fell in love with a passionate young feminist woman. She questioned me: "You are interested in social change, what about women's rights?" I naively answered: "What about them?"

It was the beginning of a long process of education and self-reflection. Today, fighting for gender equality is the main focus of my life and the young woman has been my partner for twenty years. I do it in part for her and for my mother and for other women in my life, but I also do it for my two sons. I believe that everyone's life will be better when nobody is afraid for their safety because of their gender, race, sexual orientation or anything else.

Dr. Michael Flood, Australia
My work in violence prevention has been an extension of my long-term involvement in profeminist men's activism. My own passsage to profeminism and anti-violence work involved influences which I think other men also often share: a commitment to social justice and involvement in progressive politics, a sense of alienation from traditional forms of masculinity, sexual relationships with feminist women, an exposure to feminist scholarship and politics through my university study, and various other influences. I suspect I was also helped by the sense of political agency, self-confidence, and belief in fairness bestowed by my middle-class, small-l liberal family background.

But I've taken up work in violence prevention in particular because it is one of the bluntest and most brutal expressions of gender inequality. Men's violence is the expression of men's power over women and children, and it helps to maintains that power. (And of course, men's violence against other men maintains hierarchies of power among men themselves.) I've seen that physical and sexual violence have affected the lives of so many girls and women. And I've realised that it's personal: that addressing violence means addressing my own beliefs, my own behaviours. I've also taken up this work out of the recognition of my own vulnerability to violence, and the belief that no one should be subject to such injustice.

Working on Ourselves

How has self reflection made you more aware of gender-based violence in your life? What did this self reflection work look like? What were some of the more painful, and/or the more rewarding moments of this self-reflection?

Dr. Michael Flood, Australia
I got involved in an anti-sexist men's group in my early twenties, and spent close to two years meeting in the group each week to explore issues of violence, sexism, fathering, pornography, homophobia, you name it. Through that, and through a whole series of other involvements in gender politics and anti-violence work over the last two decades, I've come to a much wider awareness of my involvement in gender relations. That doesn't mean I've got it all worked out, and I still stuff up sometimes. But I've developed an appreciation, no, a fascination, with issues of gender and sexuality.
Some of the hardest moments have involved the realisation of my own oppressive behaviour. I've had to reflect critically on the times when I've guilt-tripped a woman into sex, and that was gut-wrenching. I've become far more aware of how an early involvement with pornography helped shape my sexual attitudes. I've developed a sexual practice in which consent and respect are taken for granted. I've grieved over the pain and abuse that men's sexual violence have inflicted on my female partners and friends.
Taking on a profeminist politics has been enormously beneficial on a personal level. I've gained a sense of purpose, and an ever-evolving set of political commitments which guide my life, giving me direction and energy. I've learnt a series of 'life skills', to do with listening, communication, honesty, and respect. Being gender-aware has deepened my friendships with women, allowing stronger forms of intimacy than might have been available to me had I simply stayed with dominant ways of being male. And it's helped my friendships with men too, encouraging me to move beyond bravado and boasting to more intimate forms of connection. My male friends and I still do 'boysy' things, but we don't bond by putting others down. Learning about issues like sexual consent, who does the housework and the emotional 'labour', and all the other myriad issues at stake in men's and women's relationships has improved my own interactions with my partner, although there's still plenty of room for improvement. Being involved in networks like Men Against Sexual Assault (in Australia) has meant I've met lovely men, men who share a passion for social justice and an involvement in personal and social change, which is very inspiring.

Taking Action as a Bystander

Why is important to work with men and boys as bystanders? What are some of the advantages of a bystander approach?

Serving as a Role Model and Mentor

Who were (or are) your role models or mentors? Describe them and your relationship. How have they influenced you? What are some experiences who have had acting as a mentor to other men or boys in your life?

Juan Carlos, 43 years old, Boston
I have two sons: Kyle, who is 14 years-old and Alejandro, who is 9. In doing gender equality work, I consider my top priority to help these two boys become healthy, decent men. Sometimes, it seems overwhelming, trying to fight against the tremendous tide of popular culture, media influence and peer pressure.

But once in a while, I get encouraging signals. For example, when Kyle had his first romantic relationship last summer. It was at an overnight camp, where I happened to know one of the counselors. When I went to pick up Kyle, she approached me and told me: "I want to congratulate you. I have witnessed Kyle grow into this relationship and I have never seen a young man treating a young woman with more respect." I swelled with pride and remembered that my role as a father and mentor can make a difference after all.

Norberto da Silva dos Santos
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
21 years old
When I began to participate in the group at the health post in 1997, I met a psychologist name Luiz, a very peaceful, intelligent, and educated man who had a tremendous spirit of leadership.

Luiz is a calm man who enjoys listening to others. He is very professional and likes to work on issues that involve youth. I have always had a strong relationship with him and he has been an important reference for me and the groups I coordinate.

I was first influenced by Luiz in 1999 when I participated in an afro-dance class which he coordinated. The group chose me to be its leader and from there, I began to perceive the way Luiz led the group. I used his example to shape my own leadership within the group.

From 2000 to 2002 we worked with Instituto Promundo and a group of 17 young men who created a theatre piece called “Cool your head, man” which we presented to various audiences, including men, women, senior citizens, children, and youth. In 2002 Luiz traveled to Peru to do his master degree. Despite the distance, we have kept in contact with telephone. I can always ask him for advice and he has always helped when I needed it.

I now work with a group called Guy to Guy. We are 7 men from two communities, Maré and Bangu and work on issues related to violence, AIDS and gender equity through interactive activities, theatres and video. Throughout this work, I strive to mirror myself to Luiz and position myself as the type of leader he is. I am serious when it comes to work and I try to make the youth comfortable and help them to be questioners.

These experiences have been important to my growth and learning and for my position within the group. I have come to be seen as a leader both within and outside of the group and also in my personal life. It makes me happy to work on these issues and I am seen as a point of reference in the community. I remember one Friday night when I was home on the sofa watching TV and a friend came over to ask for condoms. In that moment I knew that there can be changes in society and I felt very proud to be a part of these changes.

Youth Advisory Committee (the YAC) of Chippewa County, Wisconsin Delta Project
The Youth Action Committee (YAC) was formed to offer teen input and leadership for the Delta Project in Chippewa County, Wisconsin. The Delta Project's goal is to prevent intimate partner violence among teens and encourage healthy relationships. The YAC meets regularly to work on projects and learn about violence and how to prevent it. Current projects include creating posters, a Webpage, and skits on healthy relationships for middle schoolers.

When asked who their mentors or role models were, most discussion focused on fathers. Most of these members' fathers had raised their daughters to believe:

• females can do anything
• it's ok for males to do traditionally "feminine" tasks, such as cooking
• sons and daughters should be treated equally within a family

The question was then raised as to who these fathers had as mentors or role models; how did they come to hold these nontraditional beliefs? YAC members thought that women in their fathers' lives seemed to have had a powerful impact on their beliefs and behaviors. This influence came from mothers and sisters, earlier in life and from wives later on.

It seems, then, that females can have an effect on the development of boys' and men's attitudes and actions, which will then have an impact on these males' daughters. The daughters of these nontraditional men will expect treatment as equals from the boys and men in their lives.

Not everyone's father in the group was nontraditional, of course. And then the group brought up dealing with one's extended family and the common bantering that often moves into sexist joking. The group thought that sometimes this sexism needed to be pointed out, but also felt somewhat confused because sometimes they found these jokes funny.

In thinking about how they support sexism, YAC members acknowledged conflict exists. On the one hand all members believe in equality of the sexes. On the other hand, it was agreed that traditional roles are very easy, even useful, to fall into. Guys were seen as particularly useful in the "heavy lifting" department. Many of the girls had watched themselves, as well as self-sufficient friends, change when they entered a relationship with a boyfriend, referring to that change as: "Guy comes along and she can't do anything."

The point was made that everyone likes being taken care of at certain times. The question the group was left with was: where do we draw the line between getting needed help and slipping into sexist dependency? When asked what we could do to combat sexism, the YAC recommended that females should work toward self-sufficiency and rejecting traditional roles that result in a power imbalance.

The group also suggested encouraging empathy toward the opposite sex, such as females trying to understand the pressures on males in our society. The group thought that gender expectations were especially hard for boys in middle school as they are pushed to conform to the adult ideal of masculinity, such as in playing a sport even if injured and never showing "feminine" emotions.

Working as an Ally

What does it mean to you to be an ally? Tell a story of when you tried to work as an ally people in other groups different form yourself. What do you see as some of the roles men can play as allies to women in ending violence?

Build Partnerships

Why it is important to build partnerships among groups and organizations for work with men and boys? What have been some of the challenges to building partnerships for your group?

Michael Kaufman, Canada
In 1992, in the second year of the White Ribbon Campaign, I was in our office cutting ribbons with a volunteer who was active in his church. He was involved in planning a big effort to urge the men and boys in the church to make the WRC commitment to never "commit, condone, or remain silent about violence against women." As we worked, this man said, "You know, your campaign should speak out against abortion." I asked him why and he said, "Well, it's a form of violence against the unborn."

This was a critical moment for me and for the White Ribbon Campaign. We had defined ourselves as politically nonpartisan and we had also decided that we'd have a relatively narrow focus on a range of violence-against-women issues, including wife battering, sexual assault, and sexual harassment. We explicitly wanted to include men across the social and political spectrum; we had explicitly decided not to take positions on many key issues in order to build the greatest unity around our area of focus. But I'd long been a prochoice activist.

I knew that if the WRC could not include this man, then we'd be saying that the 20 percent or so of Canadian men (including many in the powerful Catholic Church and church-based schools) would have an excuse to ignore Canada's national campaign of men working to end violence against women. So I said to him, "That's funny, because I've always felt that denying a woman control over her own body was a form of violence." He looked at me and I looked at him. Then I said, "Why don't we agree to disagree on this important issue, and agree to work together to end wife assault and sexual assault and sexual harassment?"

I'd continue to speak out in favour of women's choice, but this would not be part of the White Ribbon Campaign. That decision isn't appropriate for all organizations. But it's an example of making a strategic decision to build a campaign based on a broad alliance and overcoming specific barriers that might get in the way. There are many types of barriers, but this is certainly one that will frequently come up.

Norberto da Silva dos Santos
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
21 years old
I believe that partnerships are highly important, particularly since the issue of violence has to be approached with much care. It is important that the city, state and other institutions support and creative incentives for community initiatives through offering professional development, workspace, and financial support. It is especially important to work with community resident associations. I say these things from experience because while it has been difficult to work in the community, working with these types of partnerships has made it a little easier.

What I do not approve of are the projects that the government starts in the community which in the end do not have any result. For example, I participated in a project of the state of Rio de Janeiro called Youth for Peace in which youth receive 240 reais (approximately 80 US dollars) to develop a cultural activity. However, the youth were not connected with professionals to help them acquire the knowledge necessary to develop a certain project, nor were they given a space to work. The state government did not give the youth any support and so the youth ended up not developing any activities. And since there was no coordination, the youth would buy drugs or even worse, become involved in some illegal activity and end up being imprisoned as happened with one youth in my community.

Cross-Cultural Solidarity - Steps 1 through 3

Describe some experiences you have had working with cultural groups different that your own. What were the challenges and positive aspects of this experience?

Understanding Cultural Values as an Asset

What are aspects of your culture that you are proud of? What are some that you are not too proud of? What values in your cultural or social group support gender-based violence, and which ones reject it?

Norberto da Silva dos Santos
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
21 years old
I am a prevention educator, an afro-dance teacher, a musician, and a soccer player among other things. Such activities help men in their lives. Dance, music and soccer are particularly important to young men. These activities are a rich part of our culture and attract many youth. In many communities, these activities are used to get youth off the streets and to keep them in school. Even when there might not be much structure or many financial resources, these activities always produce results. Whether it is developed by an NGO, the residentís association or even just an individual member of the community who might have a small soccer school, the youth always love these activities. It is also important for young men to be involved in a group, as it can increase self-esteem and can even lead to a profession depending on the type of activity.

Delta Project Subcommittee in Chippewa County, Wisconsin
The Delta Subcommittee was created to oversee the Delta Project in Chippewa County, Wisconsin. This Project's goal is to prevent intimate partner violence in youth, primarily dating violence, but also "gateway behaviors" to dating violence, such as bullying and sexual harassment.

The Delta Subcommittee's members are similar in being white, educated, and used to functioning in a largely rural area as professionals in fields ranging from public health, to social services, to law enforcement. On the other hand, within that seeming homogeneity there are subgroups with divergent attitudes about and approaches to gender-based violence.

The Delta Subcommittee members were broken into subgroups with certain commonalities, such as age or career choice, in order to consider how values within those subgroups discouraged or encouraged gender-based violence. Below are some of the observations made.

One subgroup felt that their primary commonality was their roles as mothers. They then considered whether and how that subgroup supported and rejected gender-based violence. One conclusion was that mothers (and fathers) could work against gender-based violence by being familiar with their sons' or daughters' culture. By learning about the messages consumed by their children, parents could then encourage critical thinking and even action in response to harmful cultural products. On the other hand, parents often choose to deny that their child is either exposed to or chooses to consume messages supporting gender-based violence.

Since parents generally want to protect their children, our Delta Project might choose to enlist them in our prevention effort by raising awareness of teen culture, especially its ties to intimate partner violence and by providing tips on how to encourage its critical consumption by youth.

A second subgroup consisted of males in the criminal justice field. They felt that the reasons drawing people to that career could discourage or encourage gender-based violence. On the one hand, some people enter law enforcement because they want to protect others and have a commitment to justice and ethical behavior, which discourage gender-based violence.

On the other hand, people adhering to a traditional code of masculinity may enter law enforcement in order to have a socially-sanctioned position within which to exert power and control over others. The law enforcement culture may encourage those attitudes and behaviors by fostering a "fraternity" environment wherein traditional masculinity is reinforced.

In addressing workers in law enforcement, therefore, we need to consider both mindsets. Those who are already working to provide equal justice need no convincing that gender-based violence is wrong; they may simply need ideas about how they can help prevent it. Those who may actually practice forms of gender-based violence in their jobs are much more difficult to get on board; it may require the enormous undertaking of first changing their work culture and the attitudes and behaviors it supports, then working on individual change.

A third subgroup, consisting of young females, pointed up both generational differences and how conflicting attitudes can exist within an individual. This subgroup felt that younger women are more informed about and less accepting of gender-based violence than older generations, a positive in both preventing teen intimate partner violence and encouraging victims to seek services.

At the same time, this subgroup felt that early socialization by the dominant culture can cause younger women to experience inner conflict in relation to other females. For example, a female in a short skirt and plunging neckline may elicit an initial negative reaction ("she's cheap" or "she's asking for it"). Some females may act on such attitudes with female-to-female violence, for example through verbal aggression or exclusion from the group. Some young women may have this initial reaction until their more recently acquired belief system "kicks in" with the idea that everyone has the right to look however they choose.

This last subgroup points up the complicated nature of gender beliefs in our society: it isn't just that different groups have conflicting attitudes, some rejecting and some supporting gender-based violence; individuals also hold conflicting beliefs.

As we work to raise awareness about gender-based violence and how to prevent it in our community, especially intimate partner violence in teens, we will need to consider different subgroups' attitudes and beliefs. While Chippewa County seems homogeneous, it is clear that a range of beliefs and behaviors exists, across subgroups and even within individuals. Our efforts need to be similarly varied and complex.

Working from a Solidarity Framework

Can you describe an experience when you stood in solidarity with others? Or an experience when others worked in solidarity with you?