Strongest Man You Know and Real Man

Adapted from Men Can Stop Rape
www.mencanstoprape.org

Learning Objectives:

1. To identify dominant traits that are associated with traditional notions of masculinity
2. To recognize traits associated with the dominant story of masculinity in oneself
3. To recognize counterstories of masculinity and strength in your environment

Time Required: 45-60 minutes

What You Need:

1. 10 pairs of recognizable male images from popular culture
2. Flip chart and a set of colored markers or chalkboard and chalk

FACILITATOR'S NOTES: The normality of traditional masculinity in many ways makes it invisible. These two combined exercises, "Strongest Man You Know" and "Real Man," make the values of traditional masculinity more visible, as well as real life alternatives. When you ask young men, 'Who is the strongest man you know,' many will talk about their fathers, coaches, uncles, and so on, but occasionally you'll have someone say his mom is the strongest man he knows, or Jesus, or he himself is the strongest man he knows. Don't try to have them name someone else; validate whoever they choose. This is especially important since you might be speaking to some young men who don't have positive male role models in their lives. In the 'Real Man' exercise, you will hold up two pictures, each with an image of a man that they will likely recognize and ask young men to decide which of the men pictured would be considered the 'Real Man' in the eyes of society and explain why. When you're creating the cards of paired men for this exercise, develop a diverse array of high profile men and male characters to pick and choose from so that cultural and social differences are represented, and so that you can use male public figures that the young men will recognize.

EXERCISE

"We believe that men have to get involved with women in ending dating and domestic violence - because it affects men's lives as well as women's lives. But the real question then becomes why have so few men found the strength to stand up alongside women and work to prevent rape. Where are these strong men? To get at the answer to this question, we need to take a closer look at what it means to be a man in our society and, more specifically, what it means to be a STRONG MAN. Let me ask you all a question. Think for a second about who is the strongest man you know. When you come up with someone, raise your hand and tell me who that person is and what makes him so strong." (Generate a list of men on the board/flipchart and a second list of characteristics that describe why these men are strong).

"What's interesting about the list you all came up with is that even though these are all qualities of real strength, many of them are not qualities that society typically uses to describe a "real man." Often, what it means to be a REAL MAN is very different. For example (transition right into REAL MAN exercise), if I hold up these two cards and asked you to tell me "Who's the real man," what would you say and why?

REAL MAN: Hold up pictures of pairs of men and generate from discussion a list of characteristics that describe a REAL MAN. Below are some examples:

Tiger Woods AND The Rock (a pro wrestler)
Arnold Schwarzenegger the Terminator AND Arnold Schwarzenegger the Governor
Ashton Kucher AND Johnny Depp
50 Cent AND George Bush
Jay-Z AND P. Diddy
Darth Vader AND Yoda

Bill Clinton AND Bill Gates
Eminem AND Cisqo (pronounced Sisco)

Comparison

Ask the audience to compare the qualities of the "strongest man I know" with the qualities of "The Real Man." During this discussion, ask the students which list better describes someone who would be more likely to be hit his girlfriend or commit sexual assault. This can be very tricky. It is often unpredictable who will batter or sexually assault their partner including the so-called good guys.

Emphasize the differences
"One list talks about what you have on the outside (e.g., money, fancy car, girls hanging off you) and the other talks about the value of what you have on the inside (e.g., caring, determination, gentleness, pride).

"One list promotes self-destructiveness (e.g., play with pain) and harm to others (e.g., win at all costs; always be in control) while the other list is about caring for, protecting, and valuing others as equals.

"One list is about having "power over" someone else (e.g., rich; have lots of women" while the other is about "sharing power" (e.g., being a family man; looking out for someone else's best interests; being affectionate).

"One list promotes sexual assault and violence, in general (e.g., never take 'no' for an answer; be a bad ass; sexual prowess); the other prevents it (e.g., concern for others; warm; supportive; good listener)."

What's the Point

"So what's the point of this exercise? What are we trying to say here?

• First, being a Real Man does not equate to being a Strong Man.
• Second, strength is about valuing and building others up, not tearing them down or being violent in order to boost yourself up.
• Last but not least, if we, as men, are to become like the strongest men we know, we must resist the traps of manhood that lure us into hurting and putting others down in order to prove we're man enough."